+++lOsT+++

past.

it’s 2 days after 3rd sep.3rd sep of year 2005 was the day when i was back in secondary school,helping my juniors out for chinese orchestra when my parents sent my ah gong to hospital.time is passing so quickly.last year’s sep was the worst period of time i had,the days whereby i cried almost daily.1 yr has passed,but reviewing my previous blogs could still make me tear.i missed the great grandfather i could have.the ah gong who doted so much on me.ah gong,i missed u,reali reali do.while my fingers are busy typing away now,my tears are streaming down my face as well.so sorrie,i hadn’t managed to learn how to create yoghurt from u.so sorrie,i hadn’t spend more time with u when u were hospitalised.ah gong,i reali din expect ur wave of goodbye of the last of all actions i could see from u.i can still remember the whole scenario so vividly.it is so painful to be alive and it hurts when i think of u.when all of us were young,u always like to place us on ur legs and talk to us.did u know that in those days,i was terrified of u cos whenever u ‘pick’ us up,u’ll never forget to give us a hard pinch before u let us run off to play.i remembered there was once,when i stayed over at ur place,i saw u reading ur papers late at night.u were such a learned,faithful and caring man.why did u have to leave so early.ah gong,do u know that all of us misses u ever so dearly?the times i’ve spent with u,i’ll never forget ‘em.as for ah ma,don’t worry bout her.she is doing fine.but her health,ah gong,pls look after ah ma.i don’t wish to regret once more.i would rather exchange my future for more time to spend with daddy,mummy,ah ma n granny.because i don’t want anymore regrets..ah gong,i love u forever for being my dearest grandfather. 

oh my gosh,medicine is indeed what i want in my live.my previous experience as a clinic assistant was a fruitful one.at least,i got the answer to my life.no doubt i’m in engineering now,but who cares a hood bout what course i take now as long as at the end of it all,i can reach the goal in my life,that’s it,aint it? MEDICINE n DOCTOR is what i WANT.ah gong,my promise to u shall be fulfilled.rest assure i will not give up on my dream in life and break my promise to u.

current

i’ve got a feeling,that i’ve gotta repeat all my modules.i don’t mind wasting the time,but i don’t wish to waste my parents’ hard earned money anymore.

working in waraku currently..oh man,being in f & b line can be so draining.but whatever it is,i’m not gonna give up my current job.it’s a fun job no doubt but then i’m still keeping a lookout for the line which i wanna be in for life-medicine.hahas.hence,it’s gonna be waitress for me till i get to go into medicine again.hopefully i can find a job in medicine soon.looking forward to dispensing medicine and taking blood pressure and stuffs again.=)

hmmm.gotta know mani new frenz at waraku.two close frenz at workplace is ah ken and justin tan.hmmm..justin is one funni odd ball who’s reali similar to me in terms of character..man,how can i ever miss tis kinda fren out?!so damn glad i gotta noe him.heehee.aniwaes,he is my budi cum bro now..hahas.long story to tat.oso known as ben dan[it's jux a nick,he's as smart as can b..],he can anger me to death at times when his words.hahas.enuff of ah tin.now ah ken..cant sae much bout him rite now..he is reali pitiful..it’s like,all of my colleagues at workplace are bullying him yet i’m in no position to stand up for him cos i’m relatively new myself..haixxx.it’s so saddening to c him get bullied and so helpless to c him get bullied.my heart goes out to him.but ken,if u ever happen to view tis blog,i jux wanna sae,i cross my heart,it has never been my wish to luff at u but i’m with them when u’re around n i’ve gotta blend into the environment first before i can help u speak up rite..haixxx.i dunno how to explain it but,trust me.i never ever laugh at my friends.

i dunno wat to sae.but somehow somewhat,the feelings for him has gone..dun ask me why..it’s jux so..the worst thing is,i dunno how to bring the topic up to him.that i jux wanna be frenz..that i cannot stand taking 2 person’s stress when my stress alone is heavy enough to kill me.can anyone help..?at the same time,i wanna give him the last chance..but i aint able to gather the feelings back again.my tears for him has dried up and the feelings have vanished..

just wondering..why i can click off so well with ah liang.it’s so weird..as in,we like to argue..but neber mind,let things be this way bahx..however,he is still my crush.broke my previous record..i’ve been liking tis fellow since may tis yr..oh me god.geex.he beta not read tis blog.if not,i’m sooo deaded.yuda is another close fren whom i’m able to click with.a reali concerned fren and helpful.hahas.too much bout him for me to describe..besides,it’s late and i’m sleepy eyed after all those tearing for ah gong..yawnx[it's 4.28am now.OMG.] so tired.

future

what does the future behold..i’m not sure..but one thing i noe is,i’ll be more than willing to explore my way out..to the heaven that i’m pinning for.to achieving my promise to ah gong.to knowing more ppl like liang n justin.i’m open to new ideas and concepts anytime.i wanna try out more jobs.that’s what the future is for me.heehee ^^

i’ll never forget this one and only person,mr tommy low ee shang.the first person i fell in love with,yet the first as well as the last person to be hate by me.

ah gong left us on 16th sep..ah gong,i never dared to tell u tis,but i really loved you..i’m sorrie for i’m onli tellin u tis,when u can no longer see or hear wat i sae..but,u were reali the best ah gong..i will pray hard that in my next life,i can be one of ur grandchildren again..let everything stay the way they are,except that u will hab better and more filial children the next time round..rest in peace ah gong..though u’re buried and gone forever,u shall live in my heart and mind for as long as i live..forever memories ah gong..i will try my best to treat ah ma even better de..so tat u dun hab to worry bout her..the lessons u’ve taught mi,the things tat i’ve yet to do b4 u were taken ill,the promises i’ve made to u,i shall engrave these things and do as i’ve promised.ah gong,i really missed you.can u help mi to take care of my fishes first?thanks ah gong..a message i am helping ah ma as well as daddy,mummy and ko ko to convey to u is,everyone of us loves u dearly and we’ll learn from ur history..thank you ah gong,for being my ah gong.thanks.i hoped i have at least done one or two things to cheer u up before u left us.ah gong,wo men ai ni.=’[

love?i dun trust it animore..hey u!get out of my freaky life..dun wanna c u animore,juz wish u the best in ur life and well,get outta my sight..i dun wanna cry or do silli things ober u animore..since u’ve alreade got ur mrs rite,u’ll walk ur path and i’ll walk mine alone..lonely anot,it’s not ur concerns..GJHD,everything tat has happened between us,is craved onto my memory board.unless i die,i’ll NEVER FORGET u.i SWEAR.

class gathering[03/09/05]..  the greatest and most enjoyable gathering!ppl who attended:ying hui,wan may,nikki,krystle,tania,me[though onli 6 gals],den eugene pei,elmer,derrick,yun hui,rui jie,daniel,kah siang,collin,wei sheng,jun ming,ming wei,pong joo..we had so much fun..cool!i miss the gathering..if onli more ppl went for it..the more the merrier..i love my class gatherings!memories are kept alive through tis wae..u guys and gals rox!go out more often orkey?forget mi not orkey??hahaS.. =) love u ppl!hahaS..

everything changed..everyone changed..haixxx..bcos of him[goh jun hui derrick],i did foolish things.haixxx..why..why i so tupid de..for all i noe,mayb he has been lyin all da time..haixxx..

ah gong was hospitalised on 03/09/05..pneumonia..now recovering..muz take care of him..otherwise,will end up regrettin like ye ye’s case de..cannot..

xiao jiu,repent before u lose the chance to do so..daryl[cousin],treasure wat u hab..dun wait till u lose it den regret..dun end up like mi..live wib regrets till the dae i leave,i’ll still be regretful..for not cherishing my ye ye..for not taking care of my ah ma[god maternal side]..wake up from ur dreamx and do wat u’re supposed to ba..

damn things..so wat if i’m repeating?laugh for all i care..juz dun jeopardise my relationship wib other ppl..if not,i’ll make u idiots pay for it..call urselves role models,my foot!the next generations in singapore will b ruined by u ppl!dun tell others ur professions for i’m afraid they might depise u for ur entire life!

yea!kelvin chen wei lian won the project superstar,jue dui superstar’s final award!he’s the best..so wat if he’s blind?he proved everyone else otherwise..he showed the power of a determined person and his determination is highly admirable..3 cheers for u kelvin!you can do it and gambette!

in depression state..haixxx..poor in studies..no frenz..no character..LONELY!!plus,no com to use..cant come online..haixxx..luckily still got zhan to accompani mi these daes..without u,gjhd,i will still survive..trust mi,i will neber be an idiot again..thanx zhan..

prelim coming..12/09/05..scary..muz study hard hard den can pass wib good marks..i’ll prove everyone wrong.like kelvin,tis is where i begin my new life.believe in urself and u’ll be able to make ur mark.set ur target and make sure u achieve it.dun go empty on ur words for,u’ll become a liar.Cheng Kai Xiang Joelyn,YOU CAN DO IT!

i VOWED i’ll never ever ever trust any employer again.especially those who are full of crap!road show idiots!get outta my sight!i’ve learnt my lesson yet again,the hard way..why..haixxx..sux!

hmmm..so sick these few daes..vomited on thurs nitez..den todae bout 3 plus vomited again..tis time,reali like a merlion..a sudden gush of wat i’ve eaten all came out..geez,the feeling was like as though all tat i’ve eaten went down the toilet bowl..so grossed out..eeeww..i tahan and went for every paper for tis time’s common test..but i hab a feeling i’m gonna do reali badly for the papers i did tis week..cos was on medication..haiz..everyday oso feel like vomitting and so breathless..in the end,onli managed to vomit on thurs nitez..sianz..gonna c doc again tml..haiyo..so troublesome..went bowling wib wei wei n ying ying on fri..had lotz of fun at it..though i lost all 3 games to ying ying..dunno why i had all the attention from strangers all to myself..perhaps it was bcos of my face de acne ba..too jia lat le..but,some even gave mi weird looks and eye expressions..glares too..when we were playing bowling,the chinese guy in lane 8 was staring at mi,as though i noe him or wat de..eavesdrop on our conversation too..which was weird..cos non of us knew him!den after he and his frens left,another group of guys took over their lane..and,those chinese guys oso look at us..do we attract so much attention?hahaS..we found a shoe under our chairs..tot it was tat weird guy’s shoe..in the end,turned out to be my fren,januver’s shoe!wahaha..lol..the uncle in lane 10 was so kind..he saw tat we were habing some probs wib how to set the menu..hahaS..den oso helped us to clear the bowling alley when we hab prob..he’s a pro wor!hundred over points nah!so pro got his own bowling ball..hee..but den the next group of guys who came after tis uncle..diao..another group of ppl who looked at us?or rather,mi ba??haiz..den the guy who looked so beng,had the same name as my brother!he was called james!arrrggghhh..so sucking..cos he sorta stared at mi wor..den,wei wei accidentally made a fool of herself..the ball fell onto the floor,slipped outta wei wei’s hands..n,the sad thing ish,it attracted the guy james and the other guy jared’s attention!they laughed at wei wei wor!so embarrassing sia..in the end,all 3 of us were laughing..cos too embarrassing liao..wei wei and ying ying kinda like the othe,called gerard..beri li hai wor..cjc bowling club de wor..quite cute and handsome too..hee hee..n gentle..his bowling position beri nice..unlike james and tat melvin(look like malay guy de),leg so long..hahaS..ying sae jared like no legs like tat,cos he dun stretch his leg out…hahaS..den,mi n ying ying fight to win each other..in terms of bowling points la..at first i win her de..den she n wei wei ‘cursed’ mi b4 i bowl..in the end,turn into lo-kang balls..sianz..lost to her in the last round by 1 point!arrrgggghhhhh..cant stand it!neber mind..ask my ko ko to teach mi..hahaS..or chong jie to teach mi pointers..not cheap wor..2.20 per game,ended up paying 7.60 in total..haiz..broke le..hahaS..after tat we went to take neo-prints!one thing i dun like when going out wib wei wei and ying ying ish they alwaes bully mi when it comes to taking neo-prints..alwaes dun let mi decorate de..haiz..AND i’m alwaes the LAST to CHOOSE!not gonna take ani neo-prints wib them le..so not fair!i was the one who paid for most of the things first..haiz..boon seng quite concerned bout mi..but,deep down,i dunno if i reali love him or ish shang and romez still present in mi heart..someone pls help mi to get out of everything!haiz..was reali devastated(ok la,kinda only la..not reali devastated..)when i saw ur blog,shang..bout M?hahaS..but nvm la..it ish not my business..hmmm..got a secret..i kinda like YQ more than boon seng..haiz..mi so flirtish..how??sad..bcos i dunno wat i wan..lost AGAIN!boon seng,reali very sorry if i disappoint u..if i hurt u..thousands of SORRIES!romeZ..r we still frens?seems like we r distancing away..haiz..why is it so?u promised to be my di..i din remind u tat..bcos i noe u din wan tat as an ending..but,tis is the fact..it’s over..get over it ba..i wish u all the best for ur poly life!and shang too..shuts..all my money r wib others..tat’s y broke..haiz..banana,wei,ying,ant..sianz..

long time neber blog le..no time sia..somehow,i’m kinda lost again..class ppl r a bit weird..dunno how to describe..chinese ‘o’ levels comin’ soon..n i haben started on my revision..dun wanna end up gettin a b3 again like last yr..even after i chiong for two times for chinese..still got a b3 in the end..now,i dun dare to talk to chong jie much..dunno why..mayb i feel tat i’m too ugly or wat le ba..hahaS..if he sees tis.,he’ll definitely laugh de..hahaS..met up wib yu fang on fri,06/05 at compass..had a lot of fun shopping ard wib her..she ar,tried to help mi save money,but not to much of avail..hahaS..onli managed to save $12.90?hahaS..den we went to taka jewellery to buy pendant for mi mum..instead of juz gettin one,i bought two..hahaS..cos dunno which one mum would prefer more mahz..in the end,she like the one tat both swee ying n mei wei said was a beta colour combination de more than the one i chose..sad sia..hahaS..but nvm la..beta than nothing..hahaS..so sad,dr wee kim wee,ex president of singapore passed away on monday(02/05)..he was the 4th president of singapore..so touching sia..all the things tat he has done for singapore..made mi cried..throughout last few daes,it has been raining rather heavily..but not at all times la..shows tat even heaven is touched by him wor..kana chased by mr kymber singh for dnt hmwk..so sian,now i c him i will start to hide liao..wat to do?i still owe him so mani pieces of hmwk,but den again,i was onli given about 2 mths to finish up wib wat the rest did within 5 mths..so not fair being a repeat student..haiz..but,i hab to do a good one,in order to get my dream a1..sianZ..juz realized tat in the heart of my first ex,he deeply loved another gal,the gal b4 mi..which make mi wonder,did he reali love mi when we were together or was i juz a substitute to him physically?haiz..dun talk much to him nowadays,after my realization..bcos,i dunno wat i am to him..dun like to be made used of..now,there’s a new guy..who might enter my life soon..but,i’m not sure if we’re suited for each other..so trying it out first..haiz..why is life like tat..got damn fed up wib a gal..alwaes tink for herself..so damn selfish..so,i’m gonna pay her back for wat she has been doing..bcos,i simply had enuff of her..gonna ignore her for a few daes..show her,i’m no pushover..tell her,i am CHENG KAI XIANG JOELYN!n to alwaes remember tat..discovered sopmething else..one gal,whom i trusted alot has been lying to mi..i hab no idea wat other things did she lied about..but,for period,i am not gonna contact her bcos she knew i hated liars and yet,she still lied.so,blame urself for lying to mi once u realized tat i’m angry wib u ba..it’s not my fault..bcos,from the start,i alreade told u tat i hate liars to the CORE..n mark my words..i seriously hate liars..so,juz too bad,i’m not gonna be make used of anymore..GET MI?so f**k out from my life the two of u gals..i dun nid such frens ard mi..n thankfully,i found new frens again..swee ying(my mei since sec 2),mei wei and joanne!thanks alotz for all tat u gals hab done!all da best..oh ya,i’m sick again..so sianz..acne grown lotz worst now..haiz..den due to acne probs,other probs arised too..sad sad sad..hey,to my new fren,yi quan,good luck to u!take good care,mi support u!oh ya,happi birthdae again to zhi yang n eng han,my two ko kos whose birthdae is on mothers’ day for yr 2005!hahaS..take careZ..miz ya eng han!cos long time neber c u n yong tao le..

chong jie had a fight todae..i was damn worried when i heard tat..cos he’s my di..a new di who’s reali nice..i dun wish to c him get hurt..den he wont b handsome le..hahaS..juz kiddin..haiz..CO gotten a silver for SYF..so sad..had expected them to be able to get gold..but de..haiz..but,at least,they maintained the standard..i feel so bad..had promised them tat i would lend them my tuner..but den,i neber turn up..din give them moral support..why i like tat..haiz..mani of them cried..i cried for a while too..was sad for them..my heart went out..i knew exactly how they felt..but,unable to do much for them..haiz..den..was worried bout fiona..din c her at all..dunno how’s she now..i’ve disappointed them in a way too..so ashamed to c them now..haiz..hey SKYCO members,dun take it so hard..u all hab done ur best..relax urselves n prepare urself for the next battle!jia you!u all can do it de..bi fang qi..i gib u all my fullest support!wa..was nearly shocked to death by swee ying..she todae super no strength after the ssp’s..had to help her up and down..though tiring,i feel tat,tat’s the least i can do for a fren..help her when she’s reali in nid of help..din send her hm along wib diana n mei wei..cos i myself hab gastric at tat time..i’m so bad,rite?haiz..cant be helped..tat’s mi..todae,juz seen through some ppl again..dun wish to ‘c’ through them cos i’ve known them for some time le..but den,they reali disappoint mi..haiz..mayb they hab their reasons for doing so ba..i hab to agree wib wat landy says in his profile..’ppl nowadays are hypocrites’but,tat’s life,my dear kor..haiz..

sad..full of stress..so not free sia..but i now slacking..cos for the rest of tis week dun nid to rest le..was told tat my dnt hab to be completed by next mon!!!wat the hell..haiz..somebody,pls save mi!hahaS..i laming..

got tricked todae..sad sia..why is life like hell for mi nowadays..hate it..but luckily,i still got some reali close frens back there to support mi..hey guys..thanks..got u all behind mi,i’ll never fail to disappoint u all de..take good careZ of urselves wor..miz ya guys..thank you for being there when i reali nid u all..